And upon further reflection...

So, I may have left out a few details in that last missive. There are other reasons that I've disappeared as of late.

Anyone who stops by on a frequent basis may remember that at this time last year, I was knee-deep in family tragedy. At this exact date last year, I was tending to my father in the hospital, still thinking that he might pull a miracle or two. I was taking care of Amos, my dad, my mom, and getting through whatever other family squabbles popped up in the midst of it.

Did I take care of myself? Fairly debatable.

If you're not a frequent reader, I'll spoil the surprise for you: my dad died. In a bad way. Like, really bad.

And then my mom died. Ah, but that's another anniversary for another juicy month to come.

So, I'm not so sure how to handle this anniversary. The problem is that it isn't just one day to be sad. It's a month-long trudge toward a final end, and each day of that month was just some other form of misery. Sometimes, I will be having a great time out with Amos or with Phil tagging along, and it suddenly strikes me that I definitely was not feeling happy this time last year. And then I think, "Well, how do you feel about that?" I don't have an answer. Sometimes, I feel like I truly deserve a bit of happiness and movin' on from the past, and other times... well, let's just say that misery loves company.

The grieving process is a strange, strange entity. I know not myself some days. Other days, I'm perfectly fine.

Sometimes I wonder if the past is written upon my face. Like the grizzled, old cowboys who've seen a thing or two, or folks who've survived some tragic accident. Is it there? Can you see beyond that smile or smirk or behind a comment about the weather? So often, I feel like I'm masquerading as a normal person.

For the most part, I'm an incredibly happy gal. I have the most incredible kid. My partner is the best man I've ever known. I've lost weight. I've met a lot of people who put a smile on my face. I'm writing more than ever (yes, I know, it isn't here, but I'm trying).

I've come to realize that avoiding writing something on the ol' binky is like avoiding my past. This is, after all, where I shared all of that news. Avoiding this blog has somehow helped to take the bitter taste out of my mouth.

More changes are coming, I'm sure of it. I'm looking forward to the future more than ever. I dare say that somewhere in the middle of that grizzled, rode-hard facade of mine, there is a twinkle in my eye.

Let me know if you see it.