Thoughts upon Free Day

We Porters decided that today was too nice a day to not spend outside. It was 59 degrees and sunny - perfect weather for gawking at caged animals.


Our yearly membership at the Denver Zoo has been very worth its asking price. We have the Zoo for Two pass for only $60. Since we've been to the zoo about 5 or 6 times since buying the membership only a few months ago, and daily fees are $9 per person without membership, I think you can see how we've already saved a ton while entertaining the tot.


Free, or nearly free, is the family's friend.


We arrived in City Park thinking that we would have an easy time finding parking and would wander like crazy people in a not-so crowded zoo. Ah, silly us. The lots were absolutely full. Everyone in Denver was seemingly insane for zoo. We had to park underground at the Denver Museum of Nature and Science. The upside to this parking garage: it has a gigantic dinosaur that spans three stories, or the entire height of the garage. We had to park in the bottom level, somewhat near the bowels of the dinosaur. At least Amos enjoyed that.


We reached the elevator near the dinosaur's nether region just as another family loaded inside. They refused to look us in the eye as they allowed the elevator doors to begin closing. I yelled, "Phil! Grab the door!" It was only then that they reluctantly held the door open for us. We loaded inside and felt their hate and seething that we dared to share a ride with them. On the next dinosaur level (around the dino teets), another family loaded inside the elevator. The grandmotherly figure stared at Amos and made a big fuss over how cute he is. The seething family seethed even more, since the grandmotherly figure was not fussing over their own less adorable offspring.


I felt vindicated.


We made it to the zoo without scars. Outside, I noticed a giant cloud of cigarette smoke as zoo patrons waited for their family members. It was such a noticeable cloud of toxins that it seemed like there was an unusually high percentage of smokers. It was stank smoke, as I like to call it, or smoke from cheaper brands of cigarettes. You know, the kinds with extra "flavor" and carcinogens. Just like Mom used to make.


We went to the members window, and just as Phil waved his membership card in the air, a very sullen and beaten down zoo employee said, "It's Free Day. You don't need that."


Free Day. Skank smoke. No parking. Seething families and sullen employees.


It was all beginning to make sense.


Free, I should add, is sometimes not always the family friend.


Free Day attracts, shall we say, a different caliber of zoo patrons. Free Day attracts the kind of patron that yells at rhinos and pokes sticks at monkeys. Free Day attracts the kind of patron who yells "Donkey!" at the zebras. Free Day attracts the kind of patron who knocks into you roughly and then yells, "EX-QUOOOSE ME!" with less than attractive sarcasm.


Free Day, it seems, is when the animals should be let loose to thin the population. And I ain't talking about the four-legged variety of populations.


We did manage to enjoy our time at the zoo, despite the mayhem. Colder days make for more active animals. The lazy bears were up and scratching their backs while standing on hind legs. Lions let out the occasional roar while sniffing each other's delicates. One rhino scratched his horn on a wooden door and let out an impressive four foot spray of urine. Monkeys climbed and did crazy monkey things. Very few creatures were sleeping or laying in a heap of exhaustion.


The day was especially saved when we wandered by my favorite animal in the whole wide world - the snow leopard. There was a lone leopard wandering the exhibit, to and fro. Snow leopards normally have a very gentle disposition, but this fellow had the look of a very determined feline. Like he was missing out on something. We noticed a sign that mentioned this fellow and his mate had had three kittens in June.


KITTENS!!!


Who can resist kittens?!


We wandered into the Feline House to see a giant crowd near one glassed area. Children and adults alike were leaning on the metal railing with chins upon hands, gazing in wonder and squealing in delight. We managed to wrangle a spot in the crowd, and then...


Behold! Kittens! Three GIGANTIC, fluffy, white and spotted, spunky, happy, and playing KITTENS! I dare say that snow leopard kittens are the cutest creatures on Earth. Yes, possibly even cuter than Amos. (I know, I know) Their huge paws, sturdy legs, and adorable faces will melt your heart as their tiny claws rip it out.


So, I entered the zoo as a curmudgeon who was hatin' on the playas, the parking, and the stank smoke. I left the zoo as a big ol' softy who was gushing over three lil' kitties.


Ah, captivity. Ain't it grand?


But I'm never going back on Free Day.