Making love in the butt

I'm on a music kick lately. An odd one, I might add.


Do you remember those days as a kid when you didn't know what the heck some singer was emoting about in a song? What the Chuck Dickens is that dude saying?! Stick my arm in a machete of love? What?!


I found a blog none too recently that discussed the "Wrapped Up Like a Douche" phenomenon. What is that, you ask? Well, many (and I mean MANY) people think that the lyrics to the song "Blinded By the Light" go as follows:

"wrapped up like a douche, another runner in the night..." instead of "revved up like a deuce."

Because obviously, when someone is running, they are twisted and contorted the way someone douching would be, or uh, running is for douchebags. Or, uh, well... you tell me.


There are a katrillion comments on that blog that split my sides from too much laughter over how many lyrics people have misheard. I thought long and hard and found that I have a few golden gems of my own. I also quizzed Phil.


Many of these examples come from my childhood when I was forced to tape songs from the radio. Ah, the days of the early mixed tape, when I tried in vain to STOP! REWIND! PLAY! STOP! to cut out the one second of a radio DJ that leaked into my precious tape. I don't care about the weather or your upcoming Thanksgiving turkey drop from a highrise (*wink*), just stop talking over "Sister Christian"!!! (*side note* I would NOT tape "Sister Christian" in my current adult form)


I can't decide whether Phil's misheard lyrics are more due to his ability to rewrite songs in ridiculous ways and then always sing them in that manner, or whether he genuinely misheard the song. My examples, however, sadly, and forlornly, are certainly due to my poor hearing.


So, without further ado, I give you a list of songs that the Porters may have misheard in their time on this planet. Enjoy.





Phil couldn't remember the band who sings this. Is it Fuel? Is it Filter? Perhaps Fuel Filter? I found that it is Fuel with the title "Hemorrhage (In My Hands)".

This is what Phil heard and we still sing it to this day. Try it. You'll hear it, too. It makes the song much better.

"Blee blah blee blah in my hands!"

But the reality is, "And leave love bleeding in my hands..."

Why are most of Phil's entries either sexual or deviant? Observe:







Phil claims that back in the 80s, a few little girls walked by him while singing,

"I'm your penis, I'm your fire!..." from that Bananarama song, "Venus."

I think you can guess which word that SHOULD be. What joy those girls must have gained from that song. It has certainly kept Phil's attention.

Phil also claims that as a child, when watching Olivia Newton-John writhe around on the set of Grease, he heard this song:

"Making love in the butt! Ooh ooh ooh!! Honey!!"

instead of, "You're the one that I want!"

I'm guessing he must have hit puberty right about then.








Listening to KBCO out of Boulder, Colorado can sometimes force one to listen to such people as Sarah McLachlan. Phil is not a Lach-head, but he remembers hearing this every time the song "Fallen" would come on:

"I'm a masturbater, I should know."

What does she really say? "I messed up. Better I should know."

In the Feist song, "Mushaboom," Phil insists on singing:

"Mushy poop, mushy poop, mushy poop..."

And that is exactly what I say now.








I now give you my contributions.






There is a song that always perplexed me. Eric Clapton goes on and on about why you should try "Cocaine". Such as "If you're thing is done and you wanna ride on: cocaine." Ah, I see. The perfect solution. The perfect after dinner mint: cocaine. But, then he turns around and growls:

"She don't like, she don't like, she don't like... cocaine."

I didn't realize until reading that misheard lyrics blog that what he is REALLY saying is

"She don't lie, she don't lie, she don't lie: cocaine."

AH! The sweet lady cocaine is still on my side! There isn't some skank that Eric was groovin' on that decided to snub her nose at his chosen drug. Now I know everything.










The 80s were rife with bad songs and equally bad lyrics. I can't decide if this is one of them, since I did have giant metal hair back in the day. Big hair definitely clouds judgment. However, I found it an odd choice to say this in Whitesnake's "Here I Go Again":

"Like a twister I was born to walk alone."

Huh? You are like a tornado, roaming the plains? I suppose tornadoes travel on their own and destroy things, but sometimes a storm can spawn multiple tornadoes; therefore, poor Mr. Whitesnake could have a partner. I fully expected him to sing more about twisters and barn destruction. Sadly, he did not. Imagine my surprise when I discovered the actual lyric:

"Like a drifter I was born to walk alone."

Oh. That, um. Yeah.









Toto was equally frustrating. What the heck are you talking about, dude?

"I kiss the rains down in Africa."

or,

"I check the rains"

or

"I check the drains down in Africa."

Why does Africa need only one plumber? How do you kiss the rains? Does a white dude need a rain gauge when going on safari? WHAT THE HELL?!

But, of course, this is what they are actually saying:

"I bless the rains down in Africa."

OH, YEAH. Like THAT makes more sense.









This goes all the way back. ALL the way back. I heard Christopher Cross say,

"Sailing takes me away to where I'm always hurting."

Huh? I'm no captain of the seas, but perhaps you shouldn't be sailing if pain is the end result.

Actual lyric:

"Sailing takes me away to where I've always heard it could be."

All I know is that Michael Jackson should get the mush (and the Jesus Juice) out of his mouth.

"But Jim is not my son."

Song: "Billie Jean"










This is my personal favorite. I love Tracy Chapman. I could stare at her all day while she stares back uncomfortably at me and warbles a tune and strums a guitar. I was a bit perplexed by her first hit "Fast Car", however.

I heard,

"Been working at the Canteen Store"

Canteen store? Is that like an army surplus? I always thought it was strange that Tracy Chapman would be behind the cash register selling camouflage. Maybe that scenario creates good folk music. Who am I to judge?

Ah, but the lyric is actually:

" I been working at the convenience store."

Heheh. Yeah, SURE you were.










Alrighty. Your turn. Slap some silly, misheard lyrics in my general direction.


(And YOU thought this blog would be about sex in the unmentionables. Shame on you!)