So many udders, it would make a cow blush

It's that time of the month. Yeah, you know what I mean. The time when I must talk about bizarre Google searches that lead people all around the world to my lil' ol' bloggy. Shall we dissect the crazies?


(I'm changing some of these words to contain numbers to discourage more of these people from coming here.)

You may remember the last installment where I described apparent knowledge of gang $ign$. People were (and still are) coming to me by the frantic masses to learn how to throw it down.

However, there's a new sheriff in town.

And he has sweet, fat nippIes.

You heard me. Somehow, in some way, I have become the ultimate authority on nippIes. No. YOU tell ME how that came to be.

So, for your personal enjoyment, I'd like to post some of the random searches among HUNDREDS that have led the misguided to my blog. I've highlighted some of the best, some of the most vulgar, and some of the most silly. In many ways, I feel an obligation to answer these searches and questions posted out onto the blogosphere. I suggest a margarita to accompany your perusal. Well, I'm having one.



"miIking my wife"
I'd suggest starting with Udder Balm and a post-pregnancy woman. Easy with the miIking there, buckeroo. Would you be that rough with your own? Otherwise, I've got nothing.

"show me your nippIes"
No, sir. I will not. But I can show you these.

"carry me on her"
Was that after you miIked her?

"I passed out cold"
I imagine you would after miIking her.

"what kind of melons are they"
Sorry, Farmer Fred. You'll need to provide a bit more description. They might be silicone, saline, or all-natural.

"my wife" nippIes
Why are you searching for your wife's nippIes? Haven't you found them? Did she lose them? Or, did she post saucy pics of them without your consent? I'm no nippIe scientist, but no one knows your wife's name. You might try searching with that, Jimbo.

nude "in negril" me
If you aren't sure whether or not you were nude in Negril,Jamaica, then that's a problem. If you are searching for pics of yourself nude in Negril, you have an even bigger oopsie.

"we had $ex"
I'm glad to hear it. Good job, virgin.

"a tejano song where a man yells in the beginning"
It's probably that one with the guys in cowboy hats and boots. Or maybe the one where he goes "Aahhhhhhhh! Ay ay ay!"

"cow miIking himself"
Um. First of all, a cow is not a "himself". That's not a nippIe he's "miIking."

"hu flung p00
Phil did.

inappropriate things to call a baby
I would guess Borat would be one. Perhaps Fried Cheese. Maybe Kumquat.

lederhosen stink
Wow. That is a very specific kind of stink. I'm not sure Febreeze can handle that one.

Mexican people wearing plaid
It's been known to happen, especially at Baja Fresh

movies of lady in the bed
Do you know which lady? Your neighbor? The one in the grocery store? Sinead O'Conner?

see tru binky
Where? Where is it? Do you mean see-through? I still don't see it.

Shania Twain is reclusive
I know, right? She won't sign my stinky lederhosen.

Show nippIes of the lady when he get baby
Is this in that movie of that lady in the bed? Show grammar of the proper when he get education.

"$uck my nippIes"
"$uck my nippIes", I would like you to meet "$uck you off" and "$uck himself off". I think you three have a lot in common.

Things to do to a man's a$$
I think you need to join the party up there with all the $uckers.

too emotional to talk about it
I guess that's why you are typing it instead, huh?



And finally, personal favorite:

you can't spell bestiality without the best
No truer words have ever been spoken, my friend.




Google and Citizens of the Earth, you fail to disappoint me. Please, continue flocking to my website via your strange requests and porn addictions. It is most entertaining.