Once again, I hand the mic over to Phil Porter, guest blogger and stand-up comedian extraordinaire / husband / father / great-in-the-sack.
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Extreme had a hole in their hearts that could only be filled by you. We, on the other hand, have a hole in our shower. I’m not sure who’s going to fill it.
We thought it was a hole in the plumbing, which could be filled by my plumber friend, Tom. On Tom’s advice, I ripped a hole in the wall behind the shower to expose the pipes and find the leak. It turns out the pipes aren’t leaking. Now we have a diorama depicting the modern miracle of indoor plumbing. It’s fun and educational, and based on how long it takes me to complete projects, it may be available for Amos to use for a school project. Possibly a grad school project. He could write a thesis on either the proper methods for soldering copper pipe or what a horrible procrastinator his dad is.
It turns out the leak is coming from inside the shower, not unlike the threatening phone calls in When a Stranger Calls, except I didn’t run into the bathroom while Sarah was showering and scream, “The water is coming from inside the house!” So the previous three-step plan of cut open wall, fix pipes, repair wall has been replaced with the new multi-step nightmare of tear a hole in the wrong wall, rip out the tiles on the shower walls, fix any water damage that may have occurred, curse the day we ever saw this house, install an as-yet-undetermined type of shower wall, make multiple trips to Home Depot, hope Amos isn’t learning an extensive vocabulary of obscenities, repair wall, shower in leak-free comfort. So far, my work on Plan B has consisted of putting grout tape over the area in the tiles where the leak occurs.
If anyone has a school group that needs a field trip with the educational subject of how not to repair a house, we’ll be offering a discount rate and selling juice boxes at the end of the tour.
Note to
11 beautiful people muttered something back:
If I was in Denvery, I'd have to come to the save the bathroom fundraiser. Holes kill.
I went to high school with Pat Badger from Extreme. I remember singing "Dead Puppies" in study hall with him and my BF Maureen. I really can't speak for him, but I can only guess that he'd be so pleased to know he lives on in memory during your bathroom adventures. Bummer about the leaks. We're going to try and make it to see your show. If not, I'll bring over some duct tape and my ABC gum.
Good luck with the Save The Bathroom fundraiser. Not enough is done to highlight the plight of broken bathrooms.
Remember procrastinators are the leaders of tomorrow. That is if we could be bothered.
I'm so sorry about your bathroom. That's really tragic - a hole in the wrong wall! *tears* When I owned a home and ran into these type problems, I called my son-in-law and he came and fixed it for me. So, the first step is to have a daughter ...
The radio was playing Hole Hearted the other day and it brought back such wonderful memories. Love that song!
Plumbing problems eh? That's nasty!
I can sense your distress and sense of desperation... but selling out (i.e. juiceboxes) is not the answer. You must hire Mike from Holmes on Homes, and he will tear your house down and build it up again for free, while making you the stars of your own DIY movie.
Thanks for the support, all. Just knowing that that blog-reading community cares is enough to make me feel like our problems are solved. Which means I won't have to deal with it.
Lisa- I was trying to fix the whole by sticking mints to the wall. Gum is a much better idea!
Aurora - Unfortunately, fixing our house would probably be an episode of Dirty Jobs rather than Holmes on Homes. Or maybe that new show where they blow stuff up...
I started a similar project about 3 years ago. I told Annie, "I can get it done in a weekend." Fortunately, Annie knows me. On Monday, after the 'weekend', she called this guy we know that does remodeling and he and his crew came over and redid the bathroom in three days and 2400 dollars. Now, I didn't start out to take the bathroom down to studs and subflooring and replace EVERYTHING, but she just sat back there in the weeds and waited. Because she KNEW.
Sadly, even your temporary fix is not very fixed. I had to press the grout tape down before I showered today. We don't deserve to be homeowners.
Poor Phil. I'm sorry, but I just imagined Amos growing up to be a cursing old man with his butt crack peeking out over faded jeans.
It's probably a good thing you won't teach him to be a good plumber! Now, a cursing procrastinating juice box vendor promises a brighter future. Unless he neglects purchase the juice he plans to sell. That could be a problem.
to!
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