Guess what I did to his bum?

Ugh. These are the days when parenting becomes more chore than fun. My dear, sweet Amos is backed up.


Feeding that boy has become a juggling act. He has never been an easy bean to feed. I had breastfeeding problems from the get-go, which would take a whole other blog to explain. I stopped breastfeeding him at four months when my supply just wouldn't hack it. At that point, I was only producing enough to add a bit of "softener", if you know what I'm saying, to his diet.


Today, I Q-tipped him. After Phil had already Q-tipped him. What am I talking about? Well, here are the visuals:

• Unstrap the child from his encumberments (if that's not a word, then I'm claiming it). Let his bits go free in the wind while you acquire the tools needed for this journey.
• Tools needed: Q-tips (LOTS of them), Vaseline, paper towels, a plastic bag, and moxie.
• Remove any clothing (his and yours) that may become polluted during the process. Put a binky in the boy's mouth and give him a bit of paper towel to toss around and play with. The binky is necessary so that the paper towel is not chewed upon, and the paper towel is necessary to play with as to distract the wee hands from grabbing at parts that may pollute his other parts. If you are not as backwoods hick as me, then give him a toy to play with.
• Place another paper towel flat underneath the backside as to collect the target(s).
• Are you with me so far? Good.
• Take one Q-tip and goop it up nice and gooey with Vaseline. Take a paper towel and place it over the male unmentionables as to sop up any liquid pollution that may occur. Keeping the left hand holding the paper towel over the unmentionables (if you are right handed), take the gooey Q-tip in the right hand and approach the hind quarters with care and caution.
• Double check to make sure the child is occupied properly with binky and paper towel. Occupied? Yes. Moving on.
• While continuing to hold the paper towel over the unmentionables, use that same hand to lift the feet as to expose the rear exit. Surprisingly, once the rear exit is revealed, the child will cooperate and hold his legs in the air (while you continue to hold the feet), as if showing off the bum and its contents is a pleasurable deed. Cooperation is key.
• Apply some of the goopy Vaseline to the outer edges of the rear exit. With the Q-tip, delicately insert some of the Vaseline just inside the rear exit as to lubricate the inner cavity.
• Triple check that the child is occupied. Yes? Good. Moving on.
• With as much moxie as you can muster, delicately insert the Q-tip again. Guide the Q-tip through the rear exit and into the land we do not speak of.
• At times, you will feel that an object is hindering the progress of the Q-tip. Eureka! This is your target.
• Gently glide the Q-tip around the object, which will look as if you are winding a clock with the end of the Q-tip you are holding. Wind the clock with moxie.
• Slowly withdraw the Q-tip, stopping short of pulling completely out of the land we do not speak of and exiting the rear door.
• You have now reached the most critical step. Do not lose your lunch over the following steps.
• With Q-tip still in place just inside the rear exit, pull the Q-tip slightly to the right or to the left, as to slightly open the exit so that a bit of the land we do not speak of is revealed.
• The child may begin to exhibit signs of straining. This is good.
• Continuing to hold the Q-tip so that the rear exit is slightly ajar, encourage your child to push. How? Say, "Push." Despite your child's language shortcomings, somehow this instruction is valuable.
• Rumblings and movement will occur in the land we do not speak of. You may begin to see the first signs of the target.
• Do not lose your lunch.
• Continue to hold the Q-tip in place until it is apparent that the target has reached a point of no return. You may need to help guide the target out of the rear exit by sliding it out with the Q-tip.
• Do not lose your lunch.
• Once the target is deposited, check for more missiles on their way out of the depository.
• Check the consistency of the target. If a visual inspection does not garner enough information as to the thickness and/or hardness of the object, then use the paper towel that it rests upon to squeeze the target.
• Do not lose your lunch.
• If the target is of unacceptable density, then repeat the process after disposing of the target(s) in the plastic bag.
• Once target(s) has reached acceptable smooshy density, you may stop the process.
• Tidy up.
• Feed the child a large dose of organic prunes.
• Now you may lose your lunch.

So, there you go. That was our Sunday.


We have a plan in place to prevent the reappearance of future hard missiles. I find it very odd that NONE of my baby books mention how to go about extracting unextractable targets. I'm happy to share this information with you, in case it ever happens in your household.


Whitney Houston and Bobby Brown would be SO proud of me.

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(Aside: If you leave a comment, I'd appreciate that you avoid the use of vulgar terms for the missiles. Use of those words - the "p" word, the "sh" word, etc. - messes up the ads on my page and makes the ad sponsors none too pleased. Thank you for abiding.)