I have a concern that I thought I'd throw out into the blogosphere.
An older family member of mine is having a tough time. He is recovering, slowly but surely, from a severe illness. He is fairly housebound and depressed.
I'm hoping to cheer this person up as he recovers. Depression is not an easy thing to deal with, and it can be hard to make yourself happy when life is not cooperating. Since I cannot be there in person all the time, I need some ideas to help him to feel a bit more alive and independent.
Any ideas? This is a brilliant man who has had a long, successful career. After retirement, he suffered family losses and loss of identity. Then he became sick. It's been a rough road. I'd appreciate it if you could throw out some ideas that I can use to boost this loved one.
I should add that insurance is a non-issue until later this year. What I'm looking for are just activities/things that I could use to boost him up.
Thanks, folks.
Thursday, January 17, 2008
A little help from my friends
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14 beautiful people muttered something back:
Perhaps ask him to tell about his life?
My mom's illness progressed far too quickly, but I wanted to get an oral history and blog her stories for the family.
To me, it is fascinating to hear stories from before I was born about my family. Whenever I'm in the presence of someone telling those stories, it seems to light up their faces.
Suzanne - That's a great idea. He has told us a great deal about the family, and geneology is one of his favorite topics. Although I've heard many of the stories over and over, perhaps I should encourage him to keep spilling. Thanks!
Depression is many things for many people, so you'll have to work with him on finding things that are effective.
One thing that you ought to do is if there are any specific little things that you know he likes or enjoys, then do them every now and then. Or get him his favorite candy bar. Anything to show him that he's NOT alone, that he's NOT forgotten, and that he's NOT uncared for.
Short of that, letting him do his own thing sometimes is a good thing, too. Help him get up and about as much as possible, even out of the house, but do things HE wants to do. Don't just pick him up to go with you to run errands. (This, of course, if it's at all possible. I don't know the nature of his illness, but whenever it becomes possible, consider this paragraph.)
Really, just be engaged. Be interested. And most of all, iterate and reiterate how much you love, care for, and appreciate him. It's all about self concept, the better it is, the less effect depression will have. Even for the chemically depressed, it has profound impact on the severity of the episodes.
We'll keep plugging away to cheer him up. Maybe a visit from Amos. He makes everybody happy.
I"m going to take a wild guess that he lives in another state, so going over to visit and getting him out of the house isn't an option?
If not.....I agree about asking him about his life; to tell stories of the past. Older people love to tell history. Long term memory serves them much better than what happened yesterday.
If he is truly depressed however, he needs to be encouraged to seek some treatment - insured or not. The misunderstanding that even the most well-intentioned can cheer someone up often leaves both sides feeling frustrated. Almost every city or town has counseling available at low or no cost. Even a pastor or friend to talk to can help.
I hope things improve for him..... it's great that you want to help!
I am dealing with a very similar situation with my dad. The best and really only thing I can do for him is to call him and chat. I don't even talk much, I just let him ramble on and on. I think it makes him feel better to know he has someone who loves him and will lend an ear.
I agree with the others spend time with him, engage him in conservations, take him out if you can. Maybe play some board or card games.
Ask yourself: What would I want if I were him? Depression is such a crippling disease. such a consuming sickness, there sometimes is little anyone can do to reverse it's effects. Don't leave him alone. That's my best avdice. just be there for him, be a friend, and treat him as a friend. Never lose sight that he's a person and not simply a person you're trying to help.
Why not introduce him to blogging? It might be therapeutic for him. I follow a blogger that has got cancer and she writes about her ops and chemo etc.
Thursdays Child has given some truly on the nose advice here. This in particular stuck out to me-
"Anything to show him that he's NOT alone, that he's NOT forgotten, and that he's NOT uncared for."
I've been dealing with depression for a long time. While for me a huge part of it is just the complete lack of motivation, energy and desire to function, that describes the emotional side of it perfectly. Anything you can do to engage him and draw him out is good.
Also, if you are looking for more physical things you can do..If he is close, drop by with some books, magazines, movies he might like, crossword puzzles or other hobby items. If he is far away, make a care package of those same types of items and send them, and maybe add in a month or two of Netflix rentals so he can get movies in the mail and not have to go out.
Whatever you decide to do, its not enough to just let him know you are there for him. Withdrawing from those you love is a big part of it. You want to reach out, but because you don't want to be a bother, you don't. Don't wait for him to come to you, call him regularly or visit when you can. Above all, tell him often how much he means to you. No one can ever hear that enough :)
I did a scrapbook for my Granddaddy at Christmas, I was able to get a hold of a lot of older pictures of him, Grandma and the rest of the family. It brought back a lot of memories for him and he remembered stories he had not thought of in years. Get with his close and extended family and get as many pictures as possible, once you have it all put together, just sit and let him tell you the stories behind the pictures, you never know what kind of "dirt" you might pick up. Or what kind of laughter they may cause. Hope everything works out. My thoughts are with you, Good Luck!
can he get around? find a seniors group for him? ask a preacher to visit him every week? send him cards in the mail. get him a plant. see if he likes animals. get an animal to visit him. a local hospital might be able to hook you up with a pet therapy dog or cat that would do a house visit. umm. does that help?
Hi there,
I just wanted to drop a line and let you know what works from me.
I suffer from depression, sometimes it's really bad resulting in my being almost unable to leave the house and I'm getting through it without the aid of drugs.
I know depressions affects different folk a little differently but in my experience of folk who have it there are some commons threads in raising their spirits and getting them motivated and feeling better.
The first, in terms of interaction is to not act any different that you normally would.
Yes there is an urge to be nicer and to molly coddle people, but this just doesn't work.
It ends up frustrating us that we're being treated nicer because we know it's because you know we're depressed.
If we're treated as we normally would be, we don't think so much about being depressed and thus it fades out of life for a bit.
It comes back, but there is nothing that can be done about that.
If someone is taking strong anti-depressants you may be on the beginning of a large learning curve.
Anti-depressants act of the brain and actually alter the chemical balances in order to improve the persons mood.
In other words they actually alter the persons personality and in some case drastically.
With me it was a complete transformation almost and that was a nightmare, both for me and the people who know me.
The person on the ant-depressants may appear fine, but they may now be struggling with not knowing why they responded to certain things in certain ways. It may be abnormal behavior for them, yet the "feel" fine.
This results in a learning curve for everyone, as the person is not necessarily the same "personality".
Worst thing is I didn't even realize it was happening to me for the first few weeks. So it may be something to watch out for if he is on ant-depressants, although it doesn't seam to happen to most people.
Another important thing will be to make sure he has contact with people who don't come by just because he's sick. That juts makes people feel pity.
They need a reason to come see him. Come and ask for advice, come and run an idea by him etc...
Most importantly get him something to do.
Get him a hobby where his feels like he is accomplishing something.
Maybe he can write, blog, paint, build ships in bottles and sell them.. anything where once he starts a project he will have something to show afterwards.
This will give him something to feel proud of and everyone else something extra to talk to him about that is not related to looking after him.
Better yet see if he can do more than 1 hobby. After all there are lots of hours in the day and variety is good.
Again creating more things to talk about, more feelings of achievement and more reasons for "supply visits" ;)
I know he's older but see if he takes to the internet and maybe blogging. He's bound to have a ton of stories and experience to share with people and he's be joining a growing legion of older bloggers out there some of whom are truly brilliant.
This opens doors for him to have more communication with other people, as he'll naturally evolve towards Skype, IM.. etc...
But yeah, hobbies that result in something he can be proud of and show off will help immeasurably..
Sorry for my long winded reply ;)
I do hope he starts to feel better.
Paul
Self expression is a great therapy. Get him blogging, or get him started on writing a book.
Personally, I have found the painting that I love to do is great therapy.
Have someone come in to show him the fundamentals. There are artists and art teachers everywhere and I'm sure someone could be found at a reasonable price to come in, say once a week for 6 weeks, or something like that, to get him started.
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