Sweet little udders and cow-milking outfits

Everyone should write a blog. Why? For pure entertainment value when observing the Google search terms that lead people to your blog. You don't need to write a decent blog in order to gain hours and hours of laughter. No. Just throw in a few words each day, and watch the unschooled and ignorant arrive in droves. Who needs television when there is Google?

Are you familiar with Google? No? Are you Amish? Google provides a fantastic service with its search engine. Not only do they allow the masses to search for "beef stew fart" and "dog teets," but Google also provides tools for wee bloggers such as myself to sit back and laugh as we analyze the incredible avenues that people use to find their way to raucous sites such as Imaginary Binky.

Observe.


In the short time that I have been analyzing the traffic on my website, a clear pattern has emerged. People want gang signs. They don't just want any gang $ign$, no. They want A LOT of gang $ign$. The number one search, in various incarnations, leading to my website is the yearning to learn gang $ign$. Yes, America. I, a 34-year-old new mother and wife to a stand-up comedian, am the world's authority on gang $ign$. Don't be fooled by my facade. It's true that at times, you can find me pimpin' the hoes and shooting holes in trunks to allow the bitches to breathe. I wear my colors, and my body is splashed with ink to show my pride. True dat. Word to Amos' mother.

I feel the need to help the people who have wandered upon my perch in space. I know that they are not learning the lessons in life from me that they were yearning for, such as "Anyone tried anti-std lube?" Well, I don't know about that, young buck. But, if there's anyone who can find the answer for you, Google is your man. I can, however, help a few souls who have wandered here.

Such as,

"Can you wear two condoms?"
Phil answered this for you here in the comments section. Sure, you can wear two condoms (as we've learned Jon Bon Jovi will do if you kindly ask), but it isn't a good idea. The friction of the two condoms is likely to cause breakage. Thank you, Phil Porter, for your genius and valuable knowledge.


"Wear a condom all day"
I wouldn't suggest it, young one. There will be chafing. Besides, I think it would take a great deal of effort to keep the item on your unit while not aroused.


"Can siblings have different earlobes?"
Well, yes, fervent searcher. Siblings CAN have different earlobes. It all depends on your lineage. I have attached earlobes, and Phil's are detached. It looks like Amos has detached lobes. Other progeny of ours could end up with attached lobes. It's all about the genes, my man.


"Shatner fat"
Yes. Yes, he is.


"Smelly vagina while pregnant" (not to be confused with another search, "smelly vagina hole")
Well, yes. It is possible to have more odor than normal during pregnancy. I did (horrors!), and I found the need to trim the shrubs with care in order to reduce this ghastly phenomenon. I suggest you invest in a good pair of scissors and/or razor and a frequent bathing.


"Should I eat Philly cheesesteak while pregnant"
If you can stand the onions, and if anyone can stand to watch you eat it, then yes. Eat your cheesesteak with the voracious appetite only a pregnant woman can have. However, I couldn't get near Phil for more than a day because he ate a cheesesteak while I was pregnant. Be warned, preggies. Be warned.


"I'd like to know how to write"
You and me both, brother.


"Dave Attell jewish" (That should be "Jewish" with a capital J, silly.)
Yes. Yes, he is. And he's a hot, dirty, filthy-mouthed Jew that I want to wrap my Gentile legs around (if I were single, that is).


"john elway drunk"
Wouldn't you be if you were that horse-headed man?


"lay lady lay interpretation"
Hmm. Well, correct me if I'm wrong, but I'm pretty sure Bob Dylan is asking a woman, or "lady" in this case, to have intercourse with him. I'm no scholar, now, mind you.


"I'm walkin'"
Good for you! Glad to hear it.


"is that a knife in your pocket are you just happy to see me"
I think we both know the answer to this one.


"tom robbins why is it so hard"
You might want to ask Tom about this, but I suspect his answer will be, "Because."




Then, of course, there are the searches that I can offer no solution towards. I love that people take social norms and just throw them out the window when unbuttoning their pants during a search. Here are some of my favorites.


Number One search, in its various incarnations:

(I'm replacing some word letters with numbers to try to get this stupid web traffic to stop.)

• gang $ign$
• chinese gang $ign$
• baby insane gang $ign$ (What?!)
  
• how to make blood gang $ign with your hand
• regular crip $ign (as opposed to the irregular crip $ign you can buy at Ross Dress for Less)
  
• gangs in germany
• deaf gangs (Really? Are there really deaf gangs?!)
  
• gangs lox (is this a Jewish gang? Better ask Dave Attell.)
• $ign a kids in a gang (How about "$ign a parent can't use proper punctuation"?)
  
• what are gang $ign$ kids are using now? (I think this was typed by a 70-year-old man)

Number Two search:

• fat suit
• how to make a fat suit
• kid fat suit
• cheap fat suit
  
• fat suits in public (Why is America so obsessed with fat suits?)
  

Various sexual/pseudo-sexual searches that really need some answers:

• unbutton pants
• $uck cuter
• dog teets
• $uck mmm
• dirty talk this is what he wrote me
  
• $ucking himself
• how to gether to $uck you off (Pardon? I don't even understand that one.)
• "even cowgirls get the blues" gypsy $uck off (That is VERY specific, don't you think?)
  

Searches for hair metal has-beens:

• bon jovi condoms
• bon jovi snl robot horse
• mark slaughter siblings
• dana strum jew

Existential remarks about life and other situations:

• ain't nobody here
• can't talk
• will it help you to forget our address?
• it's just us chickens

And my personal favorites:

• stink salad
• smells tuna coffee
• I feel inferior to my in laws
• find soapy mouths
• hunchback tuberculosis (That's unfortunate.)
• "ugly people" "pretty babies" (You jerk.)
  
• what to wear when miIking a cow (I personally choose to wear lederhosen.)
• beef stew farts
• dorito stink breath
• doritos vagina smell
• fat sexy birds (I think a drunken Michael Caine typed in this search.)

And the grand prize winner: "my wife wants to breed with a mandingo."




I can't wait to see what other insane searches bring the loonies to my world.