Would you write me? I'd write me so hard...

This is a meme that Lotus got me involved in awhile ago. I am short on time and patience, so here you go. I tag whoever wants to do it, because I am lazy.

I'm supposed to get my freak on with ten literary characters. To point a finger and laugh at the people who have participated in this love-in, please see this and this here situation, and perhaps this thingy right here.

So, without further pomp and circumstance, here are ten literary characters I would like to get nasty with.




1) The Gorilla. Ishmael, by Daniel Quinn.

Somehow, the idea of a telepathic gorilla in a cage telling me all about the history of mankind while encouraging me to save the world is entirely hot. Takers and leavers, indeed.

And, I hear that beastiality is making a big comeback.



2) Dean Moriarty. On the Road, by Jack Kerouac.

Anyone who says the following is someone I would very much like to have gazing upon my dirty pillows:

"The only people for me are the mad ones, the ones who are mad to live, mad to talk, mad to be saved, desirous of everything at the same time, the ones who never yawn or say a common place thing, but burn burn burn, like fabulous yellow Roman candles exploding like spiders across the stars".

The fact that part of the story is in Denver is also tantalizing. Mmm, hobos.

3) Sissy Hankshaw. Even Cowgirls Get the Blues, by Tom Robbins.

So, I'm not a lesbian. But...
Sissy has giant thumbs that allow her to hitchhike across our great lands. Can you imagine what else she can do with those giant digits? Mmmm, boy. Er, girl. She was also a model. Hot chicks with giant opposable thumbs equal good, big fun times in the sack.



4) The Chink. Even Cowgirls Get the Blues, by Tom Robbins.

Okay, okay. I know I already picked this book. The Chink is too good to pass up. He's an incredibly intelligent, Yoda-like fellow who is an escapee from a Japanese internment camp. Oh, and he does things to Sissy that involve body parts and yams. Delicious, I tells ya. Hoo hoo hoo! Hee hee hee!



5) Clarice Starling / Buffalo Bill (Jame Gumb) / Hannibal Lector for the trifecta. Silence of the Lambs, by Thomas Harris.

Man, this list is really starting to reveal my inner oddities. But, this is supposed to be a fantasy list of getting it on with people who don't exist, right? So, why not go gangbusters with the freaky?

I would like to have a four-way with these lovely people. I would like to have the following occur, one after the other, while various positions are achieved in the abandoned well in Buffalo Bill's house:

Clarice: must say, "He said he could smell my (&%$^%".

Buffalo Bill:

must do the "tuck dance" while Clarice films it and Hannibal sketches in the background.
must pet Precious and hand me a bottle of lotion.
must threaten me with "the hose." Heheh.

Hannibal Lector:

must discuss lambs.
must say, "Enthrall me with your acumen."
must say to me, "You know what you look like to me, with your good bag and your cheap shoes? You look like a rube. A well scrubbed, hustling rube with a little taste. Good nutrition has given you some length of bone, but you're not more than one generation from poor white trash, are you, Agent Sarah?"

6) Heathcliff. Wuthering Heights, by Emily Bronte.

This entry is entirely predictable, but what the hell. Ah, a swarthy, dirty orphan from Liverpool always warms my innards. Cathy was an idiot.


7) Mr. Darcy. Pride and Prejudice, by Jane Austen.

He's hot! He's cold! He saves damsels in distress! Do me now!



8) Mark Darcy. Bridget Jones's Diary, by Helen Fielding.

I know, I know. You want to pretend I'm well-read. You want to pluck out your eyes and stop up your ears at the thought that I love Bridget Jones. I am just a girl, you know. I'm also sort of cheating by picking the sorta-samey character as number 7, since the story was inspired by that. However, how can I resist a man who is helpful in the kitchen? I would share many alcohol units with him while tearing off his starchy outfits.



9) Daniel Cleaver. Bridget Jones's Diary, by Helen Fielding.

He may be the "fuckwit" scoundrel in this tale, but he is delicious. I would very much like to have done to me the thing that is "outlawed in several countries." Please have him say to me, "Love your tits in that top."



10) Nigger Jim. Adventures of Huckleberry Finn, by Mark Twain.

Please yell at Phil and Mr. Twain if you are offended by this entry. I couldn't come up with one more character, so Phil suggested this one (and I laughed until it hurt, so of course I must use it). Mr. Twain wrote this book in Southern vernacular, so really, I'm just honoring a literary masterpiece by using that term. If I were to float down the Mississippi with a slave lover, I guarantee I would not yell out passionately, "Give it to me, Nigger Jim." No. Instead, I would say, "Please screw me senseless, my mandingo king."



11) HONORARY MENTION: Jurgis Rudkus. The Jungle, by Upton Sinclair.


I'll try to redeem myself with this one. I get all sweaty and bothered by the idea of getting down with an oppressed Lithuanian immigrant working the Chicago stockyards. The night would be filled with innuendo referring to "show me your man meat - no, not the rotted kind" and "give me the rub".

Okay. Maybe I didn't really save my soul with that one.




Well, now that I've thoroughly dug myself into a giant hole, I dare YOU to complete this list with your own fictional conquests.