Some nights when I am up with Amos, I play around with the camera. The pics are almost always about him. When you have a new shiny baby, it is virtually impossible to not take pictures of him at every moment. "Here is Amos staring at his hand!" "Here is Amos drooling!" And so on.
I don't take many pictures of myself for various self-esteem reasons. It feels contrived, staged, and a whole lot like putting myself up on a big pedestal for all to admire. Eh. So, I don't do it often, as my pedestal is made of weakened wicker that has been left out in the rain. Apparently, I have always felt this way, so any attempts I've made to be alluring are sabotaged by my own self-loathing.
Observe.
Last night, I was in a sassy mood and thought, "Well, I'll give a pouty, sexy pic to Phil for him to laugh at." The laughing part is a big success, me thinks.
So, here is the first one where I attempt to show you, hey, this is what I look like at 2am while a baby and husband are asleep. I'm so sassy and exhausted in shades of gray. Look how coy I am with my head tilted as if to say, hey, sailor. Where does a lady have to go to get a drink around here?
Also, Phil says this is the new look for everyone: to have both arms sticking straight out as they hold a camera in front of themselves.
And here's the one where I look like an oversexed 9-year-old in 1963 in the back of my dad's Buick.
HAHAHAHA. How the heck did I manage to look like I haven't even entered puberty? That right there is darn sexy, I tell you what. Why is it that I think that "being sexy" means putting your hand up to your head and pouting? Where did I learn this nonsense?
I think I found the cause of this silliness. My disastrous attempts to use the devices of the fairer sex must have started when my cousins insisted that I pose with them at a family reunion. See the cooperation just seething out of my body? I'm not sure why my cousins insisted on hiking up their skirts when they were less than 12-years-old. My grandfather seems confused by it as well. I was too distracted by hating them for making me pose and trying to coordinate the wrong arm in this creepy, one-step-away-from-Jon-Benet portrait. I couldn't even look at the camera, I was so embarrassed.
I guess after my cousins' influence over how to win admiration from the fellas, I managed to get this one into the archives as well. Cute? Sure, but it really looks like my hand is stuck in my curls (which was prone to happen now and then). I may be wrong, but I should have chosen another garment rather than a birdhouse T-shirt. It was hard to be a hoochie in 1979.
After seeing this pictorial expression of my historic descent into having absolutely no sense of erotica, I think I'll stick to writing funny little things about Shane McGowan and Solid Gold dancers. Besides, I've always been more Lucille Ball than Ann Margaret.
23 beautiful people muttered something back:
I think that hand-on-head-and-hip stance was popular in the time of your youth (let's call it the Solid Gold Era) before it was replaced by today's more randy rumpshaking type pose. Yes, those were innocent times. Also, you look at least 12 in the second picture. By Internet standards that's almost old maid age.
You were such a cute kid. Remember, there are all types of sexy. I'm pretty sure that Phil enjoyed your tired-mom-alone-in-the-dark shots.
In the third picture you look as comfortable as I do when I'm having my photo taken.
My favorite things are the look on your grandfather's face, and they way it weirdly looks like he's holding your hand.
That last pic is ADORABLE.
You are sexy. Let's have a photo-shoot. I'll give you some pics for Phil that actually have your arms in them.
:-D
"they way." I'm too lazy to delete that and post it again, so I'll just make fun of myself.
Me=asshat.
"Lecherous" Phil - I think that stance was popular back in my day. Oh, to be just a girl in polyester with a gleam in my eye. You flatter me by implying I can look older than a fifth grader. Smarter? Perhaps not. But older? Yes.
Amanda - "There are all types of sexy" is like saying to someone that their blind date has "lots of personality." Haha. You are kind, nonetheless.
hehehehe! I loved this blog, you are so funny! I bet people were constantly touching your curly hair when you were little. I slept in pink rollers a many a night praying my hair would look like that the next morning.
Stephen - HAHAHAHAHA. I demand you post more uncomfortable pics of yourself.
Lotus - I never noticed the way he looks like he is holding my hand. That makes that pic way more special than just being a clear example of how I have always been a curmudgeon. Thanks for pointing that out!
When shall we arrange for sexy photo time? Hahaha.
Angie H - Thanks! You are too kind. Indeed, people were fondling my curls quite often when I was a kid. When it was shorter, people called me Shirley Temple, which usually caused me to throw a fit and yell, "MY NAME IS NOT SHIRLEY!!"
Wow, you do look embarassed by the pose in that photo!
The top photo's look great for 2am. I personally look hideous at 2am.
"one step away from Jon Benet"
ha!
there ARE all types of sexy.
Veronica - You are far too kind. I doubt you ever look bad. Seriously.
Judy - Did you enjoy my semi-local reference? Just imagine all of the Jon Benet freaks who will now come to my blog hoping to find her killer. Haha.
OK how do you like this story: When I was first married, my ex was coming home from work very late on the night of his birthday. I baked him a cake - candles and all - and wrapped my body up in cellophane and nuthin' else. When he walked into our dark apartment I walked around the corner, a lit up cake in hand (and held well away from my outfit) because hey, that's sexy. Right? He looked at me like I had two heads. Feeling hot, not so much.
tunnybell - Wow. Obviously your ex had no sense of respect for how long it takes to wrap oneself in plastic and then have to sit in sweat while waiting for him to come home. Where is the appreciation, fella?! haha.
I admire your sense of daring. Next time, try to get some egg beaters involved. How? Uh. Well. Um...
Okay, I had a good look at the site. I am in desparate need of something nice for myself, so what do you recommend?
(I can't seem to find an email address about, or I would have emailed you. Call me blind)
The picture of you with your cousins is pricless. Trying to look sexy always comes off weird doesn't it. I resigned myself for striving for cute instead ages ago.
Those a cute pictures. Both then and now. It's nice to see the camera on the mom for a change. That is a sassy sexy pout.
I've also resorted to taking pictures of myself; most of the time I've got a stupid grin that I can't wipe off my face, because I can't believe I'm taking a picture of myself!
I do not allow pictures of me anymore. My driver's license picture looks like I have a third chin, so now no more pictures!!! I stay behind the camera! The pictures are great!!!
Veronica - I'll get back to you on this...
Chantelle - Haha. Yes, cute is much easier than sexy. I'll try to remember that.
Karen Meg - Thank ya! You are swell! Yeah, that's the trouble with posing for your own pics. The grin is always ridiculous.
justmylife - Aw, now. You need some sort of pics to leave behind, just so people know you existed. Right?
I love that photo of you and your cousins. I'm also one who can't manage the "sexy" look. If you want someone to pose for "goofy," I'm your woman.
I love the photos of you and I love your curls! Mine is stick straight. I have also taken photos of myself, most recently on Halloween with my Cher wig on. But, as my relationship with the internet is still in its courtship phase, I'm too timid to post them. Bravo to you!
alejna - Thank ya! That pic with my cousins is pretty much one of my favorites from my childhood, mainly because it demonstrates how I have never liked to participate in any group activity - particularly whore sports. haha.
Sarah Marie - Thank ya! Post away! That is what the Internet is for - posting embarrassing photos of yourself to be framed with at a later date.
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