Most inappropriate

I was challenged today by Jon Deal to write a post about a time when I said or did something very inappropriate. This is indeed a challenge, my friends. Not because I am low in examples, but because I am notorious for doing such things. However, lucky for all of us, I was able to narrow it down to one incident many years ago...




Phil and I are great friends with a comedian fellow who lives nearby, and we were starting to get to know his lovely wife. We were staying home for Christmas and had no one nearby to share our festivities, so we invited Comedian and Wife to our home for Christmas dinner.

Now, up to that point, we enjoyed a very silly, jokey relationship with Comedian. He was known in our circle as a practical joker, and I was known to throw a great deal of sass his way whenever we would interact. Comedian is also very generous with his time and volunteers to help out his friends whenever they need it. For instance, in October of that year, Comedian showed up to help me at an open house at my soap studio while Phil was out of town performing some comedy.

Comedian and I had quite a night of joking around and getting smashed on all of the leftover wine at my open house, as only a handful of people showed up to enjoy the free wine and cheese. He asked me, "So, are you and Phil thinking about having kids?"

I thought about it for a moment. "Well, maybe someday. I don't think either of us are mature enough for that just yet."

"Yeah. Me, too." Comedian looked at me seriously and seemed deep in thought. I was too drunk to care or to ask him the same question. We giggled some more through the night, and then we parted ways.



Fast forward to Christmas night:



Comedian and Wife arrive as we are finishing up dinner preparations. We gather in the kitchen to serve up the food.

"Would you like some roast beef? How much?" I ask them.

"I'll take the amount you have there, but Wife needs enough servings for two," Comedian said as he patted her belly.

So, me being me, I blurt out at Comedian, "Oh, yeah. Like YOU can breed."

I laugh to myself. I look up. No one is laughing. Everyone is staring at me.

I suddenly realized my stupidity. "Huh?" I said.

Phil said, "Really?"

Comedian and Wife nod their heads. Wife is staring at me like she is going to cry. I try to recover. "Haha. I mean, of course you can breed. I mean, obviously, there's the belly..."

Good job, Sarah.

We eat our food, engage in small banter, and I try to smooth things over with Wife. Oh. My. God. That was hard to do. I was eating my foot the whole night while the others dined on delicious roast beef. Also, Wife is allergic to cats, so of course she suffered mightily from the three cats in our house. I later realized that Wife must have gotten pregnant right around the time Comedian was asking me about kids at the open house.




Other things I have said to Wife that were very inappropriate:

At another party at our house: "You know what I think is cool about pregnancy? Babies are basically parasites. They burrow into the uterine lining and emit chemicals to prevent the mother from rejecting them. That is parasitic behavior. I'm sure when I have a kid, I'll be amused about my own little parasite..." And of course, she stared at me blankly.

(I was indeed amused by own little parasite when Amos came to be. I have a degree in biology, and my favorite thing to learn was stuff I call "freaky biology." I just assumed everyone else enjoyed facts like that as well.)

At Comedian Baby's first birthday party, I leaned toward the smiling child and said: "You know what, Comedian Baby? You are too cute. When you grow up, I'm going to be your Mrs. Robinson." I looked up to see Wife staring at me in horror.

Yeah, that's right. I just threatened to sleep with your one-year-old when he's 18. Isn't that funny? Heh. Heh?




So, my friends. As you can see, I can be pretty darn inappropriate. I have a somewhat crass sense of humor. In the above situations, I was even more crass given that Wife was married to one of the most crass people I know. I guess that doesn't always translate to understanding the crass sense of humor in someone you aren't married to.

Stay tuned for more inappropriate moments. They are sure to happen...