More under the category "too much information"

Ding dang, people. I got tagged for this damn meme THREE times. Lotus, Bill, and Salty Miss Jill decided to tag me n' bag me. Cruel, cruel world! This is the longest friggin' meme in the history of man! Get a grip on the memes, people!

*shakes fists in the air*

Whew. Alright. Without further ado, more details about me you would rather not know.

Grumble, grumble...





8 things I'm passionate about:


1. Phil. After 14 years of togetherness and 10 years of marriage, he still makes my loins ache. We met when I was 19 (not a girl, yet still not a woman, or how do those lyrics go?) and he was a deliciously pervy old man of 23. We have one of the best marriages/relationships I've ever witnessed, and I am thankful everyday that I stumbled upon this bearded freak so many years ago. I look forward to growing old and cranky with him. Life just doesn't exist without him.


2. Amos. After two unsuccessful pregnancies, I tried to be nonchalant about Amos in those first weeks of him becoming a tiny person in my body. It didn't work. He kicked me when I least expected it, and he made me laugh before I ever saw his face. Now that I know him, I don't ever want to know life without him. Looking into the face of someone who is half of me and half of Phil is the greatest moment of my life, over and over.


3. Writing. I don't care what it is that I write, I just want to do it. It entertains me and soothes me to spew my thoughts onto paper or the virtual world. I am currently pursuing opportunities to write for dollars. If anyone knows of dollar-making opportunities involving words, please let me know (And no, I do not mean "Strip Tease Poetry Slam.")


4. My family. OH GOD, how predictable! Yes, I know. It's like I'm making an Oscar speech. "I'd like to thank my husband, my son, God, and my family for winning me this piece of plastic..." But seriously, folks. Can I call you "folks"? Let's get real. I came from a shitty family. Not so much that everyone was shitty or that every situation was shitty, but overall, the taste and feel of the meal was pretty darn shitty. I'll spare the details for now, but over time I've learned to love these people more and more, despite our differences. I am about as different from them as night versus day, but I ask you, does night not become day? Oh, there I go with the "thinking" questions...


5. Crafty things. "Oh, jeez. She's Martha Stewart." That's what my beloved friend Nancy said about me one day when she observed my mad skillz as a soapmaker and otherwise crafty mo'fo. I created my own company out of my passion for making natural soaps. My current insanity is based around knitting. I made a great deal of scarves one year for Christmas for Phil's family, and they all graciously smiled and wore them for one day, and then probably tucked them into the "donate to Goodwill" bin. Ah, but it was fun making them. I have a need to create things for Amos, so I'll do that soon. I even made my own purse, which looks like some sort of furry black thing. I call it My Pet.


6. Science. Despite the way I turned my back on it and ran for the hills, I still enjoy the world of science. Did you know that I was once a molecular biologist? Did you? Yeah. I was head-over-heels for splicing genes and creating dwarf plants. I worked in diabetes research for a few years and left before I became completely enslaved by my overlords, only to donate myself to an insane lab where I was the only woman amongst seven men studying plants. I learned a great deal in that span of time. It's strange to think that if I had stayed on that path, right now I would have my PhD and probably be on my way to being a tenured professor at some university with my own research lab. Life is funny.


7. Natural living. This is such a broad topic, but it stems from the days when I was very sick for years and sought help from health food stores, vitamins, etc. I learned about proper nutrition, organic foods, natural and raw foods, herbs, essential oils, and on and on and on. My interest in science and insatiable quest for knowledge fueled this journey. This is how I started my soap company, in a way. I'm very witchy and hippie-ish in some ways with my creepy knowledge of how to heal with natural things, but I am not a witch or a hippie. Why? Because I don't live in Salem, Massachusetts or Woodstock, New York. (But I did see Goody Smith dancing naked with the devil.)


8. Humor/Laughing. This should really be first. I live to laugh. I love to make other people laugh. Sometimes my jokes fall flat (see previous blog), but my intent is good. Laugh, people. It is good for the chicken soup soul.




8 things I want to do before I die:

1. Travel. (Oh, for Pete's sake! Stop being so predictable!) I don't care where, just take me there. I traveled a TON when I was a kid. Not because we were rich and sailing near the Riviera. No. We were vagabonds who moved around the country. It is in my blood. I am gypsy. Do not fear me. Here are my tears.

2. Write a book. It will happen. It WILL happen. (This friggin' meme feels like it's as long as a book... grumble, grumble...)

3. Meet Lotus and Amanda in person. It will happen. It WILL happen.

4. Watch Amos become a handsome, intelligent, giving, and humorous man. Basically, who his father is.

5. Have a basement-level, impressionist show off the strip in Las Vegas. I do the best (worst) impressions of Christopher Walken, William Shatner, George Takei, Kathryn Hepburn, and Arnold the Governator, along with many others. It's the best (worst) show you'll ever see in a basement.

6. Finish this meme. Sigh.

7. Enjoy some truly fine wines. I've had good wine, just not the best. Someday, I'll understand why people save bottles in their cellars for decades.

8. Forgive them.




8 things I say often:


1. "Ding dang" - It's a great replacement for cursing, and it makes me sound like a hick.

2. "Approximately a shitload" - when there is no other form of measurement to be found.

3. "While you're up, can you get me..." - some wine, some cheese, some water, some money, etc.

4. "Jump, Amos, Jump!" - He loves his Jumperoo.

5. "How much has he eaten?" - Will I ever stop saying this now that I'm a mother?

6. "What else?! What else?!" - This started when I worked at UT Austin. Sometimes I would get lunch at the Asian lunch cart on campus. I would order an egg roll, and the little woman would yell "What else!" So, I would order fried rice. "What else!" "Um, change, please." "What else!"
Now I use this phrase when we are making up grocery lists or whathaveyou. "I think we need toilet paper..." "What else!"

7. "Give me the burps!" - Said to Amos, sometimes to Phil.

8. "You are teets." - This started when we moved to Denver. Denver International Airport has a strange circus-like tent top to its structure. White, pointy caps that are supposed to represent the snowy Rocky Mountains. We joked that it looks like the pointy bra that Madonna wore, except made for dog teets (because it has many, many pointy white points). Somehow, this conversation degraded into bad Russian accents, resulting in Phil and I yelling at each other, "You are teets!"
Jeez. Some of our "in jokes" need a lot of explanation.

9. Honorable Mention: "Shitfist" - Sometimes, especially when I was pregnant, I would forget words. It is very frustrating to forget words. I would tell Phil, "And then there was a... um... the, uh... you know, the... oh, damn it." Which would then lead to me becoming angry with myself: "Oh, come on! You know! The shitfist thingy on the dealy. Just stop staring at me!" So, to sum up, "shitfist" is substituted for something you can't remember. "Get me a cup of shitfist." "I gave your mother the shitfist." "Get your feet off of the shitfist!"




8 Books I’ve read recently (or am still reading):

This is one of the reasons I delayed doing this blog. I was pregnant for approximately a shitload of months. During that time, I obsessed with all things baby. So, I read baby books. A LOT of baby books. This skews my otherwise snooty ability to devour a literary classic in two seconds. So, I give you 8 books I have read over some amount of time in the last centon.

1. The Girlfriends' Guide to Pregnancy. Amusing, but not much substance.

2. The Girlfriends' Guide to the First Year. Ditto.

3. Vogue Knitting. I still don't know how to make an I-knot.

4. The New Baby Book. Excellent resource. Thanks, Lois!

5. The New Natural Cat. My cat died despite this book. I should sue.

6. Touch and Feel Farm. It's not what you think, pervs.

7. Your Pregnancy, Week-by-Week. Almost as scary as What to Expect...

8. The Undaunted Garden. One of my favorite gardening books.




8 Songs I Could Listen to Over and Over (And do!)

Holy cow, this is hard. I'll refer to my resources...


1. "Melt with You" - Modern English

2. "Sweet Thing" - Van Morrison

3. "Do You Realize?" - The Flaming Lips

4. "Float On" - Modest Mouse

5. "God Only Knows" - The Beach Boys (Damn you, HBO's "Big Love"!)

6. "Three Is a Magic Number" - Blind Melon version (thank you, "School House Rock"!)

7. "Beans and Cornbread" - Louis Jordan

8. "Dirty Old Town" - The Pogues



8 Things that Attract Me to My Best Friends:


1. Sense of humor. Make me laugh. That's all I ask. Although, I'm jaded from years of watching comedians on stage, mind you. No pressure.

2. Keepin' it real. I don't dig on pretension and putting on airs. Be who you are. Don't tell me about all of your stocks and bonds or how political affiliations define you.

3. Clever, witty, cunning. Make me blush with your intelligence. Tell me something I don't know. Anything.

4. Ability to listen when I'm speaking. I can't even keep track of how many people I know who interrupt me when I speak. I just spent 15 minutes listening to you complain about your boss or your mom. I might have a few... but... wait... I... give up.

5. Appreciate your talents. Don't pretend that you aren't good at something. Don't brag about how great you are, either. If I'm already aware of how loved and admired you are in your field and how you sacrifice yourself so ENDLESSLY for everyone because you are the "only one" with answers, and I only heard this from you, then perhaps all is not what it seems.

6. Skip the passive-aggressive antics. Talk to me when there is something amiss. Don't beat around the bush. I'm not always aware of how you feel. You might be overreacting. I might be overreacting. Speaking to me with honesty and true feelings is what keeps me here with you. When I am overloaded with passive-aggressive actions from someone, I will walk away. It's not worth the aggravation, even if I love you. This is one thing that has been the catalyst for me leaving a friendship, even though I have been guilty of this behavior at times. (Hypocrisy, thy name is Sarah.)

7. Be open to change. Old dogs CAN learn new tricks. We are not set in stone. I'm still learning new things. Aren't you? Learn new things with me. We can both be better people for it.

8. Learn to be there for me, even when I tell you everything is okay. This is a hard one. I've never been good at telling people that I need them. It's something I'm trying to learn (see #7). I can do it with Phil, but it's like pulling teeth to get me to show my needs for other people. I am human. I bleed. So do you. We need each other. That's what friends are for (cue Dionne Warwick).





8 People I Think Should Do Crazy Eights:

Whoever the hell has the stamina to do it. Good grief.